Thursday, December 11, 2008
MANIA AND HOPEFULLY SOME DETERMINATION
ive never talked so much about my mania before (thank you grover girls for making me realize its ok to talk about our condition) and i mostly seem to realize im manic in hindsight! im kinda like that with depression sometimes too. actually i was depressed for most (actually i dont know how much) of my life without knowing it! i just thought that was the normal way to feel since it was the only way i could remember feeling! i was negative and had low self esteem. my mother tells me i sucked my thumb until i was 7 (since i dont remember much about my childhood) then i started biting my fingernails (and just stopped after my nervous breakdown or severe panic attack as the shrinks call it. they say your nerves cant break down! ha! well....mine sure felt like they did and i still call it that because thats they way people seem to understand it). also i was afraid of the dark and still kinda am or at least things that happen in the night like coming upon a snake in the night since we moved out here and ive seen them here! i hate snakes! even pics of them!!!! a little one was in the house one time! i called steve and asked him when he was going to be home because there was a snake in the house! he said put something over it so it wont go somewhere else and hide and we cant find it! can you think of a more horrible scenario? also one got into the pool onetime and when they were cleaning off the vacant lot next door the guy told me he killed about 10 of them! we still have a vacant lot on the other side so i know they are out there just waiting for me!!! so i guess i had insecurity issues from way back. well anyway......i went up to the attic to bring down my santa collection even though my knee is killing me (think its arthiritis-cant spell anymore. i used to be really good at it! honest!) id like to think its determination that made me do it! i used to be pretty good at running long distances, if you can believe it, because i could keep going if the end was in sight! im still that way somewhat. i can keep on keeping on if i know where the end is going to be. i like to think its one of my good qualities! if i didnt have it i would never go in my attic because its is hell on earth even when its cool outside! i come down looking like ive been in a sauna! its a raging inferno but i always come back with what i went up there for!!! i use that as an excuse not to clean it out! dont tell steve!!!! its actually lack of motivation and being overwhelmed that makes me not do it! its one of those "someday projects"!!! hey weve only lived here 2 years last august!!! actually if i havent used it in that amount of time i probably dont need it or at least thats what they say but THEY dont know me! i really NEED it!!! i have issues with getting rid of stuff! i think that if i get rid of it i will need it and i usually do! also i think it goes back to the "depression thinking" that my mother taught me. waste not want not! another factor could be memories of the time when we were raising kids and i didnt have the money to replace something if i got rid of it and needed it or wanted it later!! steve is just the opposite! he loves throwing stuff away! i never let him help me clean out stuff! just get me started and that determination or mania whichever it is will kick in and i dare you to try to get me to stop until the job is done! i stayed up all night cleaning the garage one time! steve tells me thats why i get overwhelmed about a task because i cant break it down into small manageable tasks. i can only see the whole pic and how long and how much work thats going to be! although he likes it when i get that kind of mania sometimes so i will get things done! i guess everybody could use a little mania some times! thanks hon! i really love the manic feeling!!!!!! not being able to slow down! oh and the anxiety! thats my favorite!!!